What the heck is self care?

In our first session, I was a hot mess. I'm not sure if my coach could understand what I was saying between the ugly-cry, angry outbursts, and runny-nosed sobbing about him leaving me. She finally asked: "What are you doing for self care?"

The wrong answer to this is: Nothing. But, that's exactly what I was doing.

Sure, I'd read The Surrendered Wife, so I'd put together a quick list. If I was in need of self care I could organize my closet, do my nails, play with my hair. Then there was the gym. The gym was my life.

Dissecting this list, she informed me I was doing it wrong. There's actually a way to fail at self care, and I was doing it.

Here's the key to self care: Does it make you happy? Do you leave it thinking that was awesome? Does it fill up your cup so that you can give and hold space for others?

Of course not. No amount of closet organization created that sense of joy in my life. But why? For me, it was simply a coping mechanism - a thing I could, check off, and then feel better about. I didn't enjoy it while I was doing it! I'm a list person, and this had been a go to since I was in third grade. Yes... does 'type A' ring a bell?

With this, my self care routine drastically changed as she challenged me to expand and try things that I, honestly, was scoffing at as they were so 'girly':

• baths

• classes at the gym

• reading books for fun instead of self-help

• trying out yoga

• journaling

I didn't like the idea of these things at all - I wanted my rough and tough persona. But, I knew I needed the coaching, so I played into her little experiment. And with it, I slowly realized and learned to recognize what that little thing she talked about felt like - that joy.

Go find that joy.

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when your marriage can't wait

Self care isn't self-ish.

Fill that cup up - let's find that joy.