THE STORY OF COACH KRYSTIN

Losing the game.

I didn’t think of myself as controlling. Getting the scheduling just right to be the perfect wife was tough - that was all. So, I helped us both along! I’d tell him to get appointments in order, what chores he was slacking on, and walked him through the shoulds of spending. I was sharing how much I knew already so that he wouldn’t make a wrong turn. Decisions were all so black and white to me that there really wasn’t any need for emotion in them.

The laundry room was clean, which was unusual. Something was off. I’d gotten home from my work trip to a quiet house, as he’d left for a work trip already… but something was terribly wrong.

I broke down - a tearful mess when I realized it: the hangers were gone.

There wasn’t a clear-cut reason why he walked out, and I was confused. I found the receipts for the apartment and realized his business trip wasn’t what I’d expected.

The 18 months leading up to this had been a struggle. The “D” word kept getting thrown around in anger. The cold wars would last days. I began feeling so alone, that I sought intimacy to cope. Can you imagine my surprise when scheduling and reasoning why we should hop in bed didn’t work?

Reaching out for the internet experts, they said to talk and that communication is key. Explaining this didn’t entice conversation. Then I researched the buzzwords - narcissism, establishing ‘healthy boundaries’, and learned the love languages. These created more blame and frustration as we tallied the wrongs. Getting creative, I even tried feng shui - which is very effective for decluttering but not so much for getting your man back.

Couples counseling didn’t help us. When we’d both quit, I was left with a handy little list… of all the ways I was failing as a wife. The ways I was failing as a human being. There was also a list of all the problems we each had with the relationship. My self esteem plummeted even more. I felt so judged; so ashamed.

I found the Six Intimacy Skills then. DIY’ing them was a terrible idea, as I shifted my control and tried to rebuild respect on my own. I wish I could’ve signed up for the coaching then - but I was so broken and embarrassed at this point that I didn’t want to share these problems with anyone. Then it got worse, and I tried to work through the new discoveries… there was gambling, there were signs of another woman.

The week he left I finally got coaching.

My coach built me up from a rock bottom. She walked me through seeking happiness. She showed me how to focus on me, and I realized I’d been “unpleasable”… for my whole life. With her encouragement, I began transforming myself so that others could react to me differently. There was plenty of evidence it was working as coworkers, family, and acquaintances seemed to light up more around me.

Since he was gone, I couldn’t practice my new self with him - right? Our long distance calls turned to divorce proceedings. In a moment of despair, I had an affair. Apologizing, I knew that I’d leave with integrity and self-respect. I gave up then on him ever coming back.

As I healed, I began dating again. With the healing, the divorce calls were easier to show up as dignified while we separated our finances.

The day before signing, he called me. He wanted to reconcile.

That’s when I knew that the Six Intimacy Skills actually worked. I hadn’t seen this coming… I apologized, and we cried as I shared I’d already given my heart away.

That new relationship felt amazing, and I was so proud to have a strong foundation with skills that worked.

It was amazing… up until it wasn’t. Our engagement kept getting longer. Then he found out he was becoming a grandpa. My shock killed the relationship when he shared he didn’t think he wanted to be a grandpa AND start a family all over again. He was backpedaling and I took it personally.

Resentment and anger took over for me as I blamed him for going back on our dreams and agreements. I was frustrated as I couldn’t reason with his feelings. I understood where he was coming from - but I was just so mad! That anger created a hell for us. Intense arguments and emotional outburst from me led to cold wars and him working late on projects so he didn’t have to talk during dinner.

It was several months until I snapped out of it. I remembered that the skills, coupled with patience, brought my last husband back to me. Could it work again?

Rebuilding us was painful. I felt shame, but knew how to navigate it. As the focus shifted back to a joyous me, he began hanging around more often. We had more good times.

I’m excited to share that we did in fact recover. The day he told me we were getting married, I shared my spouse-fulfilling prophecy for how grateful I was that all of this just made us a stronger couple. I understood we could make it through anything.

‘Anything’ sure is a lot when you tack some time behind it! He’s still not ‘sure’ if he wants kids. But, I’m proud to know that he supports my dreams. It's proven as we try IVF again. We are building a new house, and he encouraged me to leave my job to spend more time together. We’ve been through a traumatic car accident, bringing deep life discussions. Even with all of these big, scary events - we snuggle up every night. There’s warm conversation and terrible ‘dad’ jokes that fill our home. Most importantly, there’s this sense of ease over me that we are still building, and everything is still getting better. It’s just better than I’d ever dreamt.