Getting Grandpa Back

It was the first time he looked at me and said he didn't know anymore. He didn't know if he wanted to have kids...

I lost it. Inside, this time - I knew better than to let that instant anger out past the duct tape! I duct taped and bought time.

He explained that he didn't want to be a grandpa AND be stuck raising his own kids at this point. The excitement of hearing the happy news for his oldest set off a weird ripple, like he just realized how old we actually were. Granted, we weren't THAT old! I was in my late 30's, him in his late 40's.

In my head, it made sense: he was older, had already had his family, and now he didn't want to do it again. From that negativity, I spun slowly out of control. I kept trying to stay calm as I thought through it all. But, all the teachings of Laura Doyle fell away. I was ticked off and bitter.

Four months later, I realized what I was doing: Self sabotage. I had harbored and built up the anger and resentment. I felt abandoned and lied to. I'd been pouring my time and energy into our relationship, and was livid that I didn't know how that was going to turn out. With that, I'd turned our easygoing lifestyle into a horrible place where I would burst into tears or angrily yell as he tried to make future plans. The house was a place that he actively tried to avoid, staying busy with work. I hated this new life. Trying to sort it out, I went back to all the notes I'd taken while getting coaching.

What's the first thing to do after single handedly destroying a good relationship?

Apologize.

And it wasn't fun.

I began that slow process of rebuilding. I'd done it once before, so I knew it could be done. There was still hope for us. Months went by, and I was bringing the respect back into play. Respecting his space and his ideas, I didn't try to change them. Retraining my mindset of 'he's going to leave', I made myself apologize (as I earned it!) and prepare for him to stay.

We started chatting more. I could feel it, as our home life slowly became happier. We joked a little more. He came home for dinner on his own. The eggshells disappeared so we didn't have those to stomp on anymore.

It was a lot to work through. It was so worth it. Here we are, "too old" for kids - yet happily married and working through IVF.

email for help now -

when your marriage can't wait

Restore the respect.

Better to do it all now, than later.